"The heart has its reasons..."

There are times when I wonder what I'm here for.

Am I here to make someone happy? Am I too selfish to dedicate myself to the people I love? To a cause? Here are the thoughts in my head. I just feel so empty and sad, and tired, and I want to give up...
Don't get me wrong, I know I live a privileged life, with all the comfort you can imagine, but my inner battles and demons are too numerous to count, and sometimes I really feel like giving up.
It's wrong and I know there are no "real" reasons for me to feel this way, but here are the thoughts in my head. I just feel like I'm all alone. Even when I talk to my closest friends, it's like there's some kind of border, a barrier they can't cross, things they can't understand no matter how hard I try to explain.



So hours tic by...
and my heart has its own reasons that reason itself ignore.

 Bird by U&Me Blue

Sugar Rush

It's the third week without HM attack!!!

The new treatment seems to be the right one. I can do almost anything I want and that means going back to work. It's really like coming out of prison and be free again.
I can have projects again -albeit small- but still, it counts, right?
So the next step should be: get a new job and at long last have my own appartment. It's time for me to stand on my own again.

My life behind walls

My life is starting to look a lot like tthat of a prisoner...

Spending most of your time in your bedroom doesn't help you feel normal or free. Recently, that's the way I spend my days: Wake up, eat, shower, bedroom, bedroom and then eat again and bedroom again till around 5:00pm.

I must say that the lightheadedness I feel through out the day doesn't help either. I almost fell flat on my face yesterday while going to the drug store. So to avoid falling and fainting and scaring everyone every time, I stay at home.  I know, it's not the best of plans, but well, it works. Well, sort of.

Having a social life isn't easy, but I try to keep in touch with my friends. I do my best not to feel depressed. It's stupid, but being all dressed up even if I'm home helps a lot. I do my hair and wear some make up and nail polish and it does help!

I also try to keep a good level of activities like knitting, playing the guitar or writing stories, and suddenly I don't feel so alone anymore.

Long drawn out days

That's official. Have been staying at home for 8 months now and the days seem longer and longer. I get so bored I could screem!!

I've been trying to go back to work normally, but every time I seemed to get closer to my goals, the job offer would just vanish...
So ever since the beginning of the month I try to find ways around boredom. I've tried a lot of things, but still it doesn't work.
Music, drawing, singing, knitting, housecleaning... There's only so much you can do within a day. I thought about translating fanfiction and other stories on the net. Just for the art of it.
Sounds like a good idea. And it can take some time, so I won't even see the time fly by.
Yeah, that's what I'll do, translating stuff. Alright, let's go!!

The Examiner

Tomorrow is the dreaded 'follow up' MRI exam...
I know I shouldn't, but it really stresses me out. I don't know what to expect, or what to feel exactly. Relieved? Scared? Both?
I don't know...Gonna pray about it.

Que Calor...

Just too hot to move...

Heat waves in France (or anywhere else...)

Mid-summer

Summer in Paris... Really isn't motivating. All those nuances of grey just make me want to stay in bed all day! Unless August is already Fall season, I really can't see why the weather is so gloomy here.
There you have it...I'm complaining again :o(