Feeling under the weather

I've been feeling a little down lately.
Tried my best to see the bright side of things but it's become increasingly difficult.
Now my leg hurts all the time, like I'm permanently being stabbed in the thigh. There's just nothing I can do to ease the pain; make it go away.

I was wondering if it would be so bad to slip into a coma. With my condition, it seems like a viable possibility. But what would it change?
I'd just be a gigantic pain in the neck for everyone around me.
Yet...there'd be no pain, no loneliness or sadness. Sometimes I feel so lonely I could just die. I can't talk about any of it to anyone, though. My friends and family all have their own problems without me adding to it. But carrying this thing around is taking its toll on me.

Waking up in the morning and not knowing if you'll be able to go through the day without having an attack, being exhausted doing the smallest things... I try to stay positive, but I've got to admit that it's really hard sometimes. I don't want to sound selfish, but I guess I am. I'm too focused on my problems and don't see things as they truly are.
Maybe I'm saying this in order to hear someone tell me the opposite. Maybe I'm twisted like that.

I'm tired. I am.

Maybe if I just slept, it would all go away. Maybe...Just maybe. Sleep a while and then everything would be okay. Yeah. Just a while.

I'm just getting it out. It's nothing. There's nothing much to it.

"The lights are on but no one's home..." (Celeste Buckingham, 'Nobody knows')

The "Rain Man" syndrome

It's been a little more than a week since I've left hospital. In the last days I spent there I came to call my newest condition the "Rain Man" syndrome.

Well, it's quite simple: You take somebody and block that tiny little spot near the temple in your brain that controls language, articulation and swallowing (nothing major, just a little vein in there going rogue). You strain their vocal cords and withdraw sensation in tongue and throat "et voilà"!! You get yourself a nice, big and funny to boot "Rain Man" syndrome.

Of course, I'm being sarcastic... The doctors at the hospital made pretty funny faces when they realized I wasn't able to voice anything or articulate elaborate thinking. Even my eyes went kind of crisscrossing a little. Well it's kind of freaky, I must admit.

So I've taken to learn a few easy sings (Sign Language) to try to convey the basics to my family for whenever I need something. I also walk around with a note pad and a pen (plus my best friend: my crutch). Even when I go out. As it just pops out without warning...You never know.

But, yeah... I know, it just sucks. I make do, though.
I go on shopping, out with my friends and all that. Try to enjoy things, taking life as it comes, one day at a time.

The first time, I just couldn't realize what was going on, but once reality came crashing down, well, I was kind of scared. Then I was just frustrated. Then I just tried to calm down enough to think of ways to adapt, think of what triggered those symptoms and if they can be controlled.

I'm still in the thinking process, but I have pretty much accepted it. Not in a "there's no hope" kind of way, but more of a "let's get it over with" kind of way.

It's going to be a whole new ball game once I've got back to work. I just know how the kids might react if I go all "Rain Man" on them during class... Embarrassment would barely start to cover it. But well, crap!